So here it is. June 18, 2012.
Week three of the summer I have been waiting for all my life.
I have not one but two internships. Internships that I have dreamed of for years and have worked so hard to acheive. Here I am, living the life I have imagined as Ghandi has told me to do over and over again.
So tell me, why oh why do I feel this way.
I moved to the big city in January of this year. I packed my bags shortly after Christmas and moved into a brand new life. I can recall on the road-trip in my mother’s car packed to the roof with “my life” saying, ” Oh, how about we turn around..”, ” Perhaps this isn’t for me..”, ” I really ought to stay home and take care of Grandma..” But my little mama never stopped driving and never stopped telling me this is what I am meant to be doing.
Dad was so proud & excited. Everyone was, really. My first time out of the house, on my own, chasing my dreams.
It was a rainy day that Tuesday morning. My Uncle drove me to the metro, much like a father would on the first day of Kindergarden. I hadn’t slept a wink but my outfit had been picked out weeks in advance. I curled my hair much like my idol, Catherine Middleton. I had my new shoes and my new work bag and I set out in the rain on the first day of my new life. The metro can be kind of scary for someone so new to this world, never had I been surrounded by so many individuals in power suits. Trying my best not to faint, I marched up that escalator and arrived in the city! With a grande soy latte in hand, and an ever growing number of Facebook “likes” on my status, I hesitantly hit the number 5 on the elevator at 2000 L. ” What in the world am I doing?!”
The first few weeks are all but a fuzzy memory, abruptly adapting to my new lifestyle. No longer sitting in lecture halls but sitting in an office.Actively participating in the life those lecture halls prepared me for.
I came into this internship with insecurities up to my peal necklace. Each day however, I became a little more confident. A little more sure of myself. A little more me. I knew I had it in me, I knew I was bright, I knew I was capable, I knew I could lead, but I was so numbingly afraid to let the world see me in that way. I wish I had an explanation for why I lead a life in which I’m so so scared to let others see me for me. Each day I would embrace my nerdiness a bit more and share with everyone I know that not only do I care a great deal about ballet, baking, Kate Middleton, and Disney Princess.. but I’m also a bit of a whiz with human rights and international development. I guess you could say i found my voice. I lost it, much like I lose my keys every 5-7 days. But there it was, waiting for me to grab it, ” Gotcha!”
I was on a roll. An absolute roll. Everything that could go right in my life was happening. My dad jokingly said one time, ” You ought to buy a lottery ticket. With your luck these days, you’d surely win!”
Life. was. great.
Life. IS. great. I know that – the Meghan deep inside knows that. But yet, here she is at 2:37 on June 18, feeling very unsure of herself, very incapable, very disappointed.
You know that law of science? ” An object in motion, stays in motion.” That one?
This law of science is my best explanation for what has happened.
The object in motion, me abitiously chasing my dreams every day, came to an abrupt stop when I went home to my old life for two weeks.
Now I am back, far from the superstar I once was…. How did this happen? Why do I feel this way?
Constantly thinking to myself, ” Tomorrow will be better. “
But then tomorrow rolls around.. & I don’t feel better.
I feel like apologizing to my bosses for being such a waste of space and energy. I feel like apologizing to everyone who has counted on me for something and I have let them down. I know I’m letting you down. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to do.
So here is my blog. Each day, I’ll write something or post a picture, or a video.
Each day, I’m going to get better.
I know that it I’m sort of back at Square 1. But I shall use Square 1 as the solid foundation upon which I rebuild my life. Pick up the pieces, and feel like myself again.
I could write for days about possible reasons I feel this way. ” Well, there was this one time..”
No no no. That’s not the Meghan I know I am and that’s not the Meghan I want to be.
I am an optimistic gal who has a terrific bounce-back rate. I’ve felt this way before. I remember what it’s like to be in these shoes. & I remember what it’s like to wonder if I’ll ever feel better again.
Please join me on my journey 🙂